One seriously windy and ghostly day, a chaplain visited an elderly
gentleman in his room within the aged-care facility the elderly gentleman
called home. It was not a routine visit. The elderly gent, a dementia sufferer, had
been driving his family away, and he hadn’t been too kind on the staff
either. It seemed impossible to get
through to him. But the chaplain found a
way to help. The chaplain knew a way to
listen that works most if not all the time.
Yet we lament…
The world does not know how to
listen, because it does not have the interest. And those of us who are especially spiritual
don’t do a great deal better a lot of the time. Most of us are far too consumed in distraction
to be any good at giving others the attention they really do deserve. And where we aren’t distracted on other
things we get distracted within our own inner world. Listening seems difficult for us all.
To listen with
effect is a challenge. But it’s less of
a challenge if we listen with the curiosity of compassion — to listen with
genuine interest. It’s quite an easy
skill to learn, and better still it makes our hearts more reachable and
teachable.
If you desire to be
a better listener through the curiosity of compassion, consider these ideas:
1.
Consider every
interaction, and especially your helping interactions, as eternal moments that
you won’t get back. You’re on mission,
and your listening is an opportunity to be that person’s secret agent, to serve
them in their momentary need, by scouring your own thought energies so
everything they say is ‘recorded’. When you
listen that well you find it nourishes your interest and esteem for this other
person. And that helps generate
questions that help you enter more deeply into their story.
2.
Ask one-worded
questions for clarity. In whatever they’re
saying, there’s the opportunity of demonstrating you’re listening and gaining more clarity and not interrupting their flow when you
ask a one-worded question in context. If
someone says to you, “… and they were nice enough, but I just found it was more
or less all about them…” you can interject, “… them?” and that opens up the person
you’re speaking with to talk more about what “all about them” means.
3.
Sit with the person
in silence and don’t be awkward about it. None of
us knows the therapy that silence offers until we partake of it. Sometimes people have nothing to say and we
ought not to fill the void with an effusion of words, unless they want us to
talk, to read to them, etc. Silence
permitted between two is the nexus of friendship, and any compassionate helping
relationship has the best of friendship about it. Silence is a dear and healing friend in
therapy.
4.
Be prepared to pray
for the person, and don’t be afraid to engage your emotions. Through prayer with the right emotions
engaged, the person who has been listened to hears you’ve listened, and they hear
not only your heart, but they hear God’s heart too. When we’re not afraid of being vulnerable and
entering into another person’s pain, we are able to intercede through the
eternal moment and bring God’s healing through the Holy Spirit.
***
The abovementioned chaplain
did these things. He listened for what
the elderly man said, but also for what he didn’t say. He prayed as he listened, for enhanced acuity. And the more intently he listened, the more
he entered the man’s story, the more interested he became. In the silent moments, the chaplain showed
how interested he was to not force his own agenda. He demonstrated patience which was perceived
as the kindness of love. He offered to
pray for the man, and was able to help by bringing their frustrations to bear in the prayer. The chaplain had been vulnerable enough to
understand how frustration is a common human emotion with which he, himself,
struggles.
When we listen with
real interest, our listening creates real curiosity, and our listening is full
of compassion.
***
QUESTIONS in REVIEW:
1. Which of these four areas can you
most improve at or develop? What plan
could you initiate to develop in this area?
2. If you were to define listening
with the curiosity of compassion, what would you add?
© 2016 S. J. Wickham.
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