“Never marry someone hoping they will change. Marry someone
because they have already changed.”
— Gary
Thomas
Not wanting to be
unfair to many singles I know who all deserve the blessings of marriage (should
they want them), I still feel compelled to write an article based on my own
experiences of marriage — my failures and foibles at the fore.
1.
Do all your changing before marrying: this is about overcoming the majority of
high-need issues in your life before you commit to another broken individual.
2.
Don’t marry someone who’s in a flux of change: it’s important that if you’re stabilised in
single life, having dealt with your own main emotional, relational, and
spiritual issues, that you don’t commit to someone who’s not done that work.
3.
Do get honest feedback from those you trust: it’s truly what you may not want to hear. The
fact that you don’t want to hear the truth indicates there could be a problem.
Listen courageously and promise yourself to be open. If trusted wise advisers
give you the thumbs up it’s probably a good thing.
4.
Don’t listen to those people whose opinions don’t
matter: we all have
people in our lives whose opinions don’t matter, yet our problem is we tend to
listen to nobody or everybody. Self-discipline knows sensible limits. Give no
regard to some opinions other than those that align with trusted wise advisers.
5.
Do expect the unexpected: marriage is a blessed institution for those
who are prepared to work hard at it, for those who will hope for the best
whilst planning for the worst.
6.
Don’t expect your partner to stay the same
after marriage: actually
things may get worse. You’re probably over the romance stage of the
relationship in getting married, but actually living with someone brings the
crudest of truths to bear. Living with another person is hard work, especially
with all the layers of emotion and control that can be overlaid. Once you’re
married, the deed is done, and the person can become someone you never predicted
you’d ever marry.
7.
Do talk a lot with the person you’re contemplating
marrying: discussion dating
is a great way to talk about all sorts of items crucial to marriage. There are
so many — hundreds, if not thousands — of considerations and decisions to be
made before the proposal is made. How many kids, who’ll put the rubbish out,
how to interact with parents (in-laws), etc? All of these are potentially
massive issues in and of their own right.
8.
Don’t engage in inappropriate physical
relationship: engaging in a
physical relationship assumes marriage in a crucial part of the relationship.
The physical relationship is a runaway train. It takes the relationship into a
de facto/marital realm far too quickly. We can’t possibly know all we need to
know in the time it takes to jump into bed with one another.
9.
Do take your time: time is something we never think we have
plenty of, but the truth is we do have plenty of time to make one of the most
important decisions of our lives.
***
If the best of marriages will face
significant pressure, the average marriage will sputter and fail. Don’t settle
for an average marriage. You and your potential partner deserve more — so do
your kids.
Good marriages occur because a good
amount of work goes into them a good amount of the time.
Great marriages involve commitment,
hard work, quality time, sexual wholeness, and emotional maturity — and God
central.
© 2015 Steve Wickham.
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