There’s no simple way to say it. We really must fight fair in all our relationships. Well, it’s a given that we will fight (a.k.a. have conflict). And therefore it’s a necessity to be fair so as to have a reasonable chance at resolving the issues themselves—at source. And if we can only resist pressure tactics and blackmail etc that only tend to confuse and perplex situations.
Yet, it’s never easy to fight fair, is it?—and this is especially if the other party insists on their way. But, our emotions too, they cloud the situation contemptuously at times.
I’ll always cherish the “theory” of conflict resolution—the model—I learned through marital coaching sessions (some sort of “maintenance” is a must for any marriage).
The ability to approach conflict with the emotions already basically resolved, so we can stay ‘in the adult’ and effectively listen and hence empathise as a way of moving forward... the process may not be easy, but it sure is worthwhile!
As far as fighting fair is concerned we’re bound to lose our cruets every now and then; consequently, forgiveness and the skills of forgiveness i.e. the heart to extend extraordinary favour, are imperative. Indeed, it’s only through forgiveness that we can effectively manage and process our emotions in the first place. Otherwise we’re forever tempted back into our basket-cased swamp of caustic relational depression every time!
To forgive is to risk; it is to ‘let go.’
Fighting fair is about fighting in love, acknowledging our deeper needs—those that are often impossible to reconcile. These ‘love gaps’ are wedged open as our deeper, visceral buttons are pressed. It’s not always our partner’s fault when our buttons are pressed, but they’re the ones (with us) left with the stinking mess of hurt feelings unto buriable resentments. We’re all human.
Do you fight fair?
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.